Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

If there is one thing most of us can agree on it’s the fact that we don’t get to pick our parents. Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have. However, some parents lack a certain level of emotional maturity that can have adverse effects on the child. This blog is inspired by the bestselling book by Lisa Gibbons, Psy.D. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?

An emotionally immature parent is one that lacks the ability to bond with their child in a healthy manner. The reasons for this may have more to do with their own upraising than a conscious intent to harm their children. Many of these parents were also raised by emotionally immature parents, so that’s all they know.

In many cases, however, these types of parents tend to have difficulty regulating their emotions and overreact to problems. Others are so self-absorbed they ignore their children, depriving them of a warm, nurturing relationship. Still others are manipulative or passive-aggressive. Regardless of which outward traits these parents manifest, the damage to adult children of emotionally immature parents can be significant.

The four types of emotionally immature parents are:

• Driven parents
• Passive parents
• Emotional parents
• Rejecting parents

How Do Emotionally Immature Parents Affect Children

When considering our childhood years and how our parents’ emotional maturity might have impacted us, it’s easy to find fault. As adults, many of us find ourselves struggling in relationships or as parents, and wonder why. While some parents are truly abusive, others may simply have no idea that their behavior is harming their children.

There are many ways that children raised by emotionally immature parents can be harmed. Here are some of them:

• Detachment. Detachment disorder results from a child being deprived of a consistent emotional connection with parents or a primary caregiver. It may also be caused by neglect or abuse.
• Low self-esteem. A child may suffer from low self-esteem as a result of parental affection being withheld or harsh parental standards. Other factors that cause low self-esteem include trauma, abuse, or driven parents who only praise when the child achieve excellence.
• Being a people pleaser. Children who are ignored by self-absorbed, emotionally immature parents often become people pleasers. They strive to feel valued and loved and overcompensate by bending over backwards to please others.
• Codependency. When the boundaries are blurred between parent and child, there is a higher risk of becoming codependent as time goes on. This is especially true when the emotionally immature parents are constantly in a state of turmoil or crisis.

There are lasting effects from being raised by emotionally immature parents. Two coping styles the children adopt:

• Internalizing. The child believes they are defective and need to be fixed so the parents will provide the love they crave. These are the sensitive people pleasers who continue to try hard to win people over.
• Externalizing. The child tends to be reactive, acting out in anger when any conflicts arise or if things go wrong. They are insecure, with a victim mentality and tend to act before they think.

Traits of Emotionally Immature Parents

As adults, we may look back at our childhoods to seek answers for the challenges we face in our current relationships. One of the possible causes may be due to growing up with emotionally immature parents. Some of the common traits include:

• The parents were highly reactive or irrational when responding to situations.
• There was a lack of boundaries between parent and children.
• The parents prioritize their own needs and feelings over the child’s.
• They are inattentive and spend little time interacting with the child.
• They relied on the children for emotional support, not the other way around.
• They lack empathy, awareness, and are insensitive to the child’s feelings.
• They parents had difficulty regulating their emotions and behaviors.
• These parents are controlled by their emotions.

It is good to remember, when looking back on the emotionally immature parents, that they may have also been the product of the same. Sometimes, those parenting behaviors were learned and imbedded into their psyche, so that’s all they knew.

7 Ways Emotionally Immature Parents Affects Grown Adult Children

Adults are rarely aware of the deep-seated needs they were deprived of as a child, but they can feel it. They go through life trying to fill up the vacant space inside left by the childhood trauma, never understanding. Often, the person develops maladaptive coping mechanisms to manage their pain, even though they are harmful to them.

There are several ways that a dysfunctional childhood can manifest in adulthood. Here are some of the ways adult children of emotionally immature parents are affected:

1. Constant need for validation. These children grew up without the typical feedback from parents, leaving them feeling insecure and in need of constant reassurance.
2. Has trouble setting healthy boundaries. Growing up without boundaries, these adult children of emotionally immature parents struggle to form healthy boundaries in their relationships.
3. Feel like they don’t belong. Kids who grew up with a rejecting parent may go through life feeling like they are out of place, like they don’t belong. This is common in those with internalized coping methods.
4. Fear of being abandoned. When a child is raised by an emotionally distant, critical, or unstable parent they acquire a deep fear of abandonment. These adults may have a fear of rejection and have trouble trusting others.
5. Difficulty expressing emotions. If the parent was highly emotional and over-reactive, the child may grow up to suppress or guard their own emotions.
6. Low self-confidence. All four types of emotionally immature parents have the power to harm their child’s sense of worth. The result is a grown adult who suffers from low self-esteem and low self-confidence.
7. Disordered behaviors. Adults who were raised by dysfunctional parents may turn to unhealthy coping techniques to manage their emotional pain. These may include promiscuity, shopping issues, or gambling among others.

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents and want to begin the healing process, you will benefit from psychotherapy. A mental health retreat provides the personalized treatment to help you overcome the past and start to thrive.

Mental Health Hope Offers Free Online Mental Health Guidance and Support

Mental Health Hope is a trusted source for information and guidance regarding mental health conditions. If you are an adult child of emotionally immature parents, you may benefit from a personalized mental health retreat. Call us today at (424) 622-6369.